July 5, 2013

Mariposa Diaries: I Will Call Her Siela!

Dear Journal:  I find it that many a mornings and nights words formulate in my mind creating a story.  Very often a fascinating story.  But for some reason unbeknownst to me, I just lay there captivated in the story instead of jumping to my virtual paper (laptop) and throwing up over it all the words from my mind.  I really have to stop doing that!  At one point I even bought a voice recorder that I'd carry with me all the time for easy access whenever I needed to throw up any words outta my mind.  It worked for a while, but now the recorder stopped working, may very well jut be a battery issue.  I gotta add that to my to-do list...get battery for voice recorder.  Anyhoo, that's why I'm here...to throw up.  I like the way Raymond Chandler puts it "Throw up into your typewriter every morning.  Clean up every noon."  From now on, that's gonna be one of my mantras...at least Ima try real hard at it.

As you know, lately I haven't been in such a good place.  Many would think I am, but I know I'm not.  And those that really know me, know it too.  I know they care and that they mean well, but I guess they have their own stuff to deal with too.  I attribute a good chunk of the way I'm feeling to the way my new place makes me feel.  Especially when I get home.  It quite doesn't feel like home yet.  I mean, I know home is where the heart is and the ideas of making it feel like home are in my mind, but the feeling is not quite in my heart as of yet.  I guess that's the best way I can explain it.  I did complete the bathroom.  Know what the theme is?  Yea, you got it...butterflies.  Oh Journal, you know me so well.  You know me better than anyone.  Well, maybe expect for God.  The living room is coming along too.  Can't wait to share the pictures with ya.  I still have no dining furniture.  Still shopping around for one.  The bedroom is fine for now.  Everyday is a little better though.  Do you believe it's been 10 months since I left Kansas!?  Boy was I in a good place then.  I was the happiest I've ever been.  I miss it sometimes.  I guess the drastic move took a bigger toll on me than expected.  But I know I will be fine...I'm a survivor.  I always survive.

Enough about me.  I wanna talk about a good 'ol friend of mine.  I've known her for a very long time now.  Practically almost all my life.  She is awesome.  And very giving too.  So trusting and kind.  Also unlike myself, she shares all her secrets with me.  Where I, to be honest, only share selective ones with her.  Now don't you go telling her.  Ok?  Am I not being a good friend for that?  Uggg.

Anyhoo, she is by far the most confident person I've ever known.  I mean, I'm confident too and we both are equally strong-willed, but I'll admit she trusts and acts on her "will" far more willingly than I do.  I guess it's fair to say she acts and then thinks, where I tend to think much more often than I should, which in turn ends up depleted my energy before I even take any action.  I have to stop doing that too.  Maybe it's that she just trusts her inner voice and instincts more than I do.  That is how I aim to live though. Gotta work on that one too.  She is definitely one Amiga I highly admire, but lately I've been real concerned about her.  The last time we met she didn't seem the same.  Didn't seem herself.  I mean, she looked the same but didn't seem the same, know wuttamean?  Something has changed.  She definitely was not as spiffy as she usually is and I know something is up!  I just don't know what and I don't know what to think either.  I do care for her very much and want to be there for her.  What do I do?  What do I do?

Oh Dear Journal, I really need to speak to someone about this, if not I feel I will burst at the seams!  Telling someone will help put my thoughts in perspective and help keep me lucid so that I can help her.  But I just can't tell any Joe, Moe or Curly!  So I guess it will have to be you Dear Journal.  You have always been my one and loyal confidant.  Always keeping my secrets safe.  And I know if I decided to share any of her secrets, you will keep them safe too.  I will however not disclose her real name...ya know outta respect to her.  I know you'll understand.  So from now on I will call her...Siela.  Yea, Siela.  I like Siela.  Ok?  Got it Dear Journal?  Good.  I knew you'd understand.

Oh oh!  There's a desperate knock at the door!  It may be her!  OMG, it may just be Siela!  What do I do!? Gotta go now Dear Journal.  I will get back to you as soon as I can.  I promise.  Wish me luck!

Oh I hope it is you...Siela.  I love you.

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