October 4, 2012

A Journal Entry: Suffocating My PTSD!!!

What is happening to me!?  I have all the time in the world, yet it feels like I get nothing done!  Golly Geez Golly!!!  Why am I stagnate?  I want to know!  I start my day off all spiffy and energized full of creative ideas, personal goals to achieve and then Poof!  Like a blanket of sour notes, my laughing melody is suffocated.  It's like a heavy cloud darkening my otherwise sunny day.

Hola Readers!  Just venting here.  Hope everyone is having a tantalizing Thursday where ever in the world you may find yourself today.  Have you ever felt this way?  It's not that I am not happy, I am...really.  I know  that a drastic, unexpected move back home, leaving behind my secure, comfortable abode in the Midwest, not to mention my own little space of haven to do as I please when I please, can trigger up some old familiar claws.  The claws of PTSD!  But, this time I am ready.  I have the tools to fight back!

There was a time I did not know I was living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I lived years of silent, oblivious agony that one day erupted burning flames of confusion, ugliness and despair into my mind, heart and soul.  You can read a glimpse of the trauma suffered attributing to my PTSD here. 

The difference now is that I feel it coming. I sense it's calming deceit of betrayal.  There is nothing calming about it when it manages to grip its claws around you.  For years I lived not recognizing the ugly scars left behind...self-shame, self-blame, repression, depression.  One thing it could not and did not claw its way through was my loving heart.  The love I have inside.  The love I still have inside.  All the love I have to give.   The faith I have inside.  The faith I still have inside.  The faith in my Lord Jesus Christ.

I battled about this in my mind.  If I should bring or speak of my faith, here on my blog.  I did not want nor do want to bring or speak of religion.  This bought confusion.  You see I was raised in the strict Pentecostal doctrine.  I mean really strict where you could not wear make-up, pants, earrings, cut your hair.  Where the women were submissive to their husbands and were led to suppress their "self".

My intent is not to disrespect or bash any one's belief, I am solely speaking of my experience.  You see I have a bitter taste in my mouth and in my soul for religion.  Religion is not Love.  Religion separates.  Again, this is speaking my experience.  God is not religion.  God does not separate.  God is Love.  It was my grip to God's Love and my faith in Him that kept me sane in my then insane world...PTSD!

Innate survival skills and God's Love in conjunction with years of therapy, I now manage my PTSD.  Unlike before when it so sneakingly crept up on me, I now sense it lurking around, squirming and waiting anxiously to suffocate me.  Through the years it has diminished immensely, but it's still there.  When it is this is what I do.  I breathe.  I mediate.  I listen to soft music and at times loud music too.  I read.  I draw and paint.  Most of the time I write or try to write, but usually when I do write, it remains forever in a draft.  But, I am working on that.  Today was one of those writings that managed to escape being dumped into the draft rubbish.  So I call it that, but down deep inside I know it is not.  That is why I am working on it.  I know it is not rubbish because my experience matters.  My words matters.  I matter.

Here is another piece of my artwork from my Dark Collection.  
You could read more regarding my Dark Collection here and here.


I will continue to share my other art pieces from time to time.  Thank you for being a good listening ear.  Please keep coming back for more of...To Inspire and be Inspired!

What do you do when you feel anxious, restless or plain scared?  I'd really love to know.

Tootles!

8 comments:

  1. This is a wonderful post. I know exactly what you mean about feeling anxious and not sure why. I've been feeling that same way a lot lately. I've been leaning hard on my medication practice and writing to get me through.

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    1. Hola Meg!
      Thank you for sharing you thoughts with me, I appreciate YOU! At time it can be tough and it is always a plus when you have someone to share with.

      ~SimplyyMayra :)

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  2. i take a nap and try to wake up refreshed. it usually helps, but just a little lol i still have to figure out what i have to do to feel 100% better. thanks for sharing!!

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    1. Hola Sabz!
      It is always lovely when you stop by! Taking naps is one thing I never do, maybe I should try it. Thanks for stopping by and voicing your thoughts!

      ~SimplyyMayra :)

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  3. Wow, you are an amazing woman! I love your "About" me post, what a fun abuelita you must be!

    I love this post, so honest! I have not gone through such a traumatic time as you have but I am sometimes gripped in despair for no reason. I find going for a walk or meeting a friend for coffee or just getting out of the house can sometimes help but there are times when I just wallow in it.

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    1. Hola Heidi!
      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Taking a walk, or meeting a friend sounds like a good plan. I will have to try that.

      ~SimplyyMayra :)

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  4. i sometimes feel that way... oh i nominated you for an award just check it out =)
    http://anotsosecretlife2011.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-sisterhood-bloggers-award.html

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    Replies
    1. Hola Nana! You are spoiling me with your sweetness! Thanks, I am honored!

      ~SimplyyMayra :)

      Delete

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