May 28, 2013

Mariposa Journal Entries: It's Only Human...Umfff!

Dear Journal,

I'm grateful for you because for some reason the words of my heart, mind and soul flow freely into your pages without any hesitation at all.  You are familiar.  Always been my confidant.  My partner in crime. Holding my secrets dear.  A friend to laugh with and share dreams.  A shoulder to cry on.   My loyal companion in moments of loneliness.  A story of inspiration.  So I am grateful for you, my dearest friend.

Okay, but enough of the mushiness, lets talk.  I guess I'm going through this stage where I feel the need to get things out, ya know, feelings.  I want to get them outta my head, outta my heart.  I've learned that sharing ones feelings, thoughts and experiences may create a positive change that benefit other people.  And I already know personally enough the outcome of repressing ones feelings, so I care no more how silly, uncomfortable, bizarre or awkward it may feel or seem.

This past Saturday morning was a bit of a tear-jerk-er for me.  Not necessarily a waterfall of tears, more like a dripping faucet.  Yet, tears nonetheless.  They say it's only human to hurt!  Right?  You're probably wondering what the heck am I talking about, so I guess it's only fair I rewind to Friday and bring you up to par with the events that led to yesterday morning's tear-jerk-er.

That Friday, before the tear-jerk-er, turned out to be a pretty good day overall.  I was happy for a very good and productive day at work.  I was even happier when I left at 3:00 to welcome in the long Memorial Day weekend.  TGIF!  On the way home I stopped at Walmart just to get some sour cream for a bean burrito I was planning to eat for dinner that night.  Needless to say I left the store with more than just the sour cream.  Hey, it's only human to shop! ;)  Thank God for virtual laptop, cuz I can show visuals!
I was so happy with my new found summer skirts and new purse!  I made it home grateful to get out of the Miami heat (the weather, not the team) into the breezy cool air blowing from the air-conditioning vents of my  apartment.  I was sweaty and my clothes were sticky to my body.  I'm loving my new home.  I giggled as I slammed dunked the sweaty clothes (including my undies) into the hamper in the closet.  Okay, maybe you didn't need that visual.  Anyway, the Florida sunshine is beautiful and all, but ahhh....thank God for air-conditioning!  I was in a happy-go-lucky mood.  For dinner I ended up eating egg-rolls instead of the burrito.  Oh well, I'm glad I stopped for the sour cream anyway because I am so loving my summer skirts and purse!  But, I already said that didn't I?   Well, pardon me if I'm repetitive. Blame the new stage in my life...middle adulthood.  umfff!

Toward the evening, I started not feeling too well.  My head started feeling hazy-like and dizzy.  I contemplated what it could be.  Was it due to heat exhaustion?  No, it couldn't be that because I remembered having a couple dizzy spells while at work earlier that day.  I decided to lay down and watch the Miami Heat (the team, not the weather) on  the TV.   But, that didn't help.  The dizziness persisted on and off.  I thought, maybe my blood pressure was high but I did take my medication, so I ruled that out.  Could it have been something I ate?  Maybe digestion related?  Wasn't really sure because I ate nothing outta the ordinary.   

I live alone and during the course of the evening, I started to feel a tad alarmed, okay maybe even scared.  But, that's okay because it's only human to be scared!  Right?  The dizziness persisted and the sensation in my head was no picnic.  So I thought it best to call someone, a family member perhaps.  I called my daughter and told her what was happening, ya know, just in case.  Just being cautious.  She was wonderful.  The mother-daughter bond has strengthened between us in the last year, so when she promised to check up on me later that night, immediately I felt at ease.  I felt her loving presence.  I felt safe and protected.  Is it silly for a mother to say she feels safe and protected by her own child?  Awkward?  Uncomfortable?  Do you believe these are things I was dealing with as well?  Umfff!

Surprisingly enough, I no longer felt alone or scared.  Maybe because now I had someone looking out for me.  It's only human to seek shelter....right?  And isn't it only human not to want to be alone either?  I mean, just the mere notion of knowing she would be checking up on me, gave me peace of mind.  I know, I know, God watches over me, but I guess it's also only human to feel the need for warmth and love from others. Right?  Umfff!  I did dose off in heavenly sleep though.  Strange?

Morning came and I had to face reality.  My daughter had not called me at all to check up on me like she said she would.  I tried not to think about it.  But damn it hurt!  I felt hurt, silly, awkward, hurt, stupid all at the same time which made it all that worse!  Umfff!  I went on questioning if I should be feeling anything at all.  Why should I feel hurt?  Right?  I'm an adult. Besides I'm the mother here, she is my child.  An adult too, but my child.   She has 3 little ones of her own and a husband to attend to as well.  I know how busy it can get.  How dare I feel hurt!?  I tried to smother my feelings with these thoughts.  I reminded myself that she was at the supermarket with hubby and all 3 kids when I related how I was feeling.  Maybe she wasn't really listening to me.  

For god-sakes maybe she got real busy at home with putting away the groceries, then dinner, then putting the kids to bed and all that good stuff mothers do.  I tried to ease my pain with these thought too.  But it didn't help.  It's only human to hurt!  Right?  Then I was mad.  There is no excuse.  I am her mother and she did say she would call.  Not long after battling these thoughts, the phone rings.

Ring!  Ring!  Ring!

It was her!  Arms crossed and mad, I let it ring. That'll teach her!  Silly...right?  Umfff!

Ring! Ring! Ring!


Mom, I'm sorry I didn't call you back last night to check up on you!  I was so tired I fell asleep in the couch.  I'm so sorry.  How are you feeling this morning?

It's only human to forgive...right?  Umfff!



  1. I am glad your post ended with a smiling face.. :) I totally understand how you feel, not as a mother, but the other way around. And I truly hope you are feeling better now. :)

    P.S. my journal is my best friend too!

    1. Hola Veronica!
      Yes, I'm glad it ended with a smile too. Thanks for stopping by!

      ~SimplyyMayra :)

  2. Hay Mamasita De Perlita! I am glad you feel better and that this ended well!! LOL - Love ya

    1. Hola Shasha!
      Lol, thanks mi amorcito.

      ~SimplyyMayra :)


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